Shadow Parts: How to Recognize and Release Them

“When we are aware of our weaknesses or negative tendencies, we open the opportunity to work on them.” ~Allan Looks

Last year, I took my then-six-year-old son to a kite festival. He was ecstatic about flying his kites, and we spent a lot of time doing just that!

At one point, his kite string got tangled with another lady’s kite string. Both kites crashed to the ground, and the lady and I started working to untangle the strings.

In his excitement, my little one repeatedly asked if we were done yet and if he could fly his kite again. I reassured him, saying I understood his excitement and that his kite would be ready soon.

However, the lady, visibly annoyed, gave him judgmental looks and eventually told him he was being impatient and needed to stop asking.

Calmly, I explained to her that he was just excited to fly his kite and reminded her that he was only six years old.

This incident made me observe her shadow of impatience. She was essentially impatiently telling a young, excited child to be patient without recognizing her own impatience. This is what we call a shadow.

Recognizing our own shadows can be challenging because they are hidden within us, much like how a computer operates with its set of programs without being aware of them. Our shadows are ingrained from early childhood, making it difficult for us to see them clearly.

Here are some common examples of shadows I’ve witnessed in clients, family, friends, and even myself:

• A parent yelling at their child to stop yelling.
• A parent (or anyone) being impatient with their child’s impatience.
• Someone badmouthing another person while complaining about that person’s meanness, not realizing that badmouthing is unkind.
• Someone desiring more benevolence from others but gossiping behind their backs.
• I often feel unsure if someone wants me in their life or business, but the truth is, I am the one who is indecisive.

Shadows make us judgmental and inhibit our capacity for love, compassion, joy, presence, and understanding. They limit our experience of life. This is why I believe shadow work is crucial for living a joyful and connected life.

So, how can we shine a light on and release our own shadows? Here are a few steps:

1. Bring Awareness: Notice your triggers—when you feel frustrated, impatient, annoyed, or judgmental towards someone else.

2. Acknowledge the Emotion: Allow yourself to feel the emotion fully, without judgment or resistance.

3, Be Curious: Curiosity transcends judgment. Ask yourself: What is it about this person that makes me feel this way?

4. Identify the Shadow: Recognize that the part of yourself you have denied or repressed is being projected onto others. Ask yourself why you are judging them.

5. Observe Honestly: Be radically honest and observe this shadow part of you. Acknowledge it by saying, “I see you.”

6. Understand the Cause: Ask yourself why this shadow is showing up. Often, a younger, wounded part of yourself needs healing and love.

7. Nurture the Wounded Part: Identify who you are protecting—perhaps a little girl who was scolded or punished. Hold this part of yourself with love, acceptance, and compassion.

8. Heal with Love: Send love, patience, and kindness to this part of yourself. Give her what she needed at the time.

9. Apply this Love Now: Extend this love to your current self and observe how it changes your feelings toward the situation or person.

10. Practice Regularly: Repeat these steps until it becomes easier. As you nurture these parts of yourself, they will trust you more, and you will feel more grounded and loving.

By shining a light on our shadows, we can transform judgment into understanding and impatience into patience, and ultimately live a more joyful and connected life.